i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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