I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
