I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
