What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Randomize
