My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
