I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
