My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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