i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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