I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
