Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Boobs speak an international language.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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