I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
