Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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