I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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