i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
2020 sucks, I want a refund
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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