I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
