Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
