I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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