Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
