I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
