I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize