you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
