got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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