omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
