She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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