I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
