I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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