Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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