soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
