You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Let's get the cat blown out
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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