why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
