If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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