There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
