I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
