don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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