My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize