If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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