I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
