Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
