Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
