take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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