I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize