I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize