i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
