I molested 6 butterflies tonight
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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