I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
