she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
