You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Sacagawea was the original milf.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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