So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
