I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
