I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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