Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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