I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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