You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
