I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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