I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
