True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
