Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
