That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
