I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
