I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
