i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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