I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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