Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
